Steve Rambam's Jailhouse Chili

Ingredients

Adapted from Eat, Drink and Be Kinky: A Feast of Wit and Fabulous Recipes for Fans of Kinky Friedman, by Mike McGovern

Serves 3 or 4 felons
Equipment needed: hot plate

• 3 or 4 pounds beef, chopped or ground, or whatever ground meat is available, turkey or chicken

• 1 or 2 beers, bottles or cans (12 ounces each)

• 1/4 cup canola or other vegetable oil

• 1 or 2 onions, finely chopped

• 5 garlic cloves, minced, or 1 tablespoon garlic powder

• 2 to 4 jalapeno chili peppers (or two tablespoons chili powder)

• 2 tablespoons dried oregano, or 3 tablespoons chopped fresh (optional)

• 2 tablespoons cumin seeds, toasted and ground

• 1 or 2 tablespoons paprika

• 1 teaspoon cayenne, or to taste

• Salt and pepper

• 2 chicken bouillon cubes

• 2 cans (15 1/2 ounces each) pinto beans

1. Trim the beef of fat, and cut into thumb-size pieces. If you don’t have any thumbs, use your neighbor’s for measuring purposes.

2. Marinate the beef in the beer for at least 2 hours. Do not drink the marinade. If there’s no beer available and no one is willing to risk bringing it in ­ you can get two weeks in the Hole if caught with alcohol ­ use any alcoholic beverage, such as homemade applejack, from your nearest in-house brewery. (If Chateau de Bubba brewed up a batch of jack with the usual standbys, such as peaches in heavy syrup, adjust the recipe by adding a few extra jalapenos to help neutralize the sweetness of Bubba’s Peach Jack.)

3. In a skillet on the hot plate, brown the beef on all sides in the oil. If the meat was gray when you started, try for new meat and start over. Some jailhouse cooks, especially in Texas, like to throw in finely chopped onion while browning the meat. Also, in New York City’s Metropolitan Correctional Center, some of the old-time Guidos drop in garlic here.

4. The appropriate quantities of the ingredients will be determined by experimentation, by your personal taste. For mild chili, use 2 jalapeno peppers; for three-alarm chili, use 4 jalapenos per pound of meat.

5. If a blender is available, put in the peppers and 2 cups of water and puree. If no blender is available, mince the peppers as finely as possible.

6. In a large pot, combine the browned meat, pureed peppers, and the marinade. Bring to a boil and simmer for 45 minutes.

7. Remove the pot from the hot plate and let cool. Begin adding the spices (cumin, paprika, cayenne) when you like ­ whether to add oregano and how much is your call. Too much and the chili will taste like marinara sauce. Unless your neighbors, like Vinnie the Hook and No-Knuckles Sal, are expected for dinner, go light on the oregano.

8. Return the pot to the hot plate and bring to a boil. Add the bouillon cubes and simmer for 1 hour, or until the meat is tender and the sauce is the consistency you prefer. (If chili is allowed to cool, the fat will rise to the top. If you are a health nut, spoon it off and toss the grease. Frankly, for the best taste, leave it alone. If you want health food, eat a freakin’ salad.) Tomatoes or tomato sauce help to thicken and extend the chili: Way, way down in Texas or in the Deep South, some cooks like to add corn flour to the chili. I think it makes it taste like a burrito. If you’re determined to use this method and you don’t have corn flour, Kellogg’s Corn Flakes crushed into powder will do the trick.

9. Drain and rinse the pinto beans. Add to pot. Remember, before eating, always wash your hands and say your prayers because God and germs are everywhere. Serve with rice or cornbread, or both.

Instructions